Words from my heart to my paper!

I'm doing it again. I know when I'm doing it.

And it seems as if nothing can stop me. Nothing. Even the powerful message that was preached on yesterday “Expect A Fight”.

You know how particular circumstances trigger certain emotions that you intended to stay suppressed, covered up, concealed, and censored.

I lay and I cry, I read the most comforting book available to man, I smile to those who love me most, I engage in everyday conversations. All the while I’m praying, hoping, and wishing that one day something I read, somebody’s words or Deliverance reaches my heart and fill the pain that is there.

I smile. I laugh. I encourage. I write.

And I smile. I laugh. I encourage. I write.

It’s still here, and it won't go away.

This pain is so raw, so...real...so...ALL CONSUMING that I refuse to open up about it for fear I'll lose myself as I spill the misery all over...all over...EVERYTHING & EVERYONE.

I write what I feel and all I feel is PAIN. School was such a RELEASE, it was my passion it was my outlet, and it allowed me to express myself. No one could see what I saw behind the lens, b/c that was my image and I could portray it exactly the way I saw it. Sad to say…. It has been interrupted, and interruption causes rejection and rejection causes fear and fear causes PAIN.

I’m surrounded by co-workers and church folk and friends and foes and I pretend mostly for them because they loves me soooooooo much.
But sometimes...

It just hurts so bad.

Do you care to know how it hurts? The sharpness of it? The totality? The emptiness? The pain? Oh my God...the pain.

It's not that I'm embarrassed that anyone knows my pain. It's that I'm scared of never being able to be THAT PERSON they want me to be if they KNEW. I feel like everything has been destroyed. My get up and go has gone and yet I pretend, I pretend, I pretend.

I hurt.

Still.

Pray to God you never hurt like this. The kind of hurt that takes all of your hurts and gangs up on you to beat you raw. Okay. I've been beaten man. LET ME GET UP ALREADY!


I wrote this on Saturday and actually went back and forth as if I should post this, I didn’t want my readers to think that I was having a breakdown or anything but the words I wrote were my exact mood! To those who know how to reach the father just continue to keep me in prayer!

But until lata my Fathers’ children ~Smooches~