Too Love...

In the past six years, I have found out something that I should have already known: It is impossible to love someone and protect your heart at the same time. Love is an uncontrollable feeling that no one can fight off. I have not felt the joy and pain of love in quite some time now and I'm not sure that I miss it. Yes, sometimes I get lonely. But then there are times when I look at other folks’ drama and I am glad that I’m single. I look at the bad side and sadly, I have forgotten the good side.

Many people ask me why I am still single. The answer is always the same: Because,God is diligently preparing my mate and until he sends him I don't think I'm prepared to be disappointed again. My strength and tolerance have not been replenished enough to endure the ups and downs of relationships. That’s the honest truth. I don’t think I can ever be totally prepared for it, but at least I’m aware that I don’t want to make the next man pay for my past hurt and insecurities.

I am by no means still in the puddle of emotional mush that I once was and for that, I am thankful. I can say that love and its failures is one of the things that sent me running into Jesus’ arms. I finally stopped trying to fill the void that was only meant for Him. I can definitely tell the difference in my heart and it makes me smile remembering how far He has brought me. But I digress…

In these past two years, I have attempted to open up and date. All attempts thus far have failed and I think it was for the best. But I am glad that I have been able to maintain a particular friendship that is especially dear to me.

I am becoming a connoisseur of protecting my heart. It’s not an easy job for a woman because I feel we are built and programmed to desire love and to receive, but that doesn’t mean we have to receive “Mess”. I do have those desires but my radar for bull-ish is on full blast right now shooting down anything I feel is a superficial attempt at getting the draws. I am not interested in that.

Ladies and Gents, you are witnessing an epiphany. I am now publicly admitting that I desire love and am tired of having Leila Ali guard my heart. Please understand that matters of the heart (love, family, etc.) are very near to me and I don’t share them with just anyone. I am very protective of what I share and if I share something intimate with someone that means that I trust them with my heart.

Think about it, there is something all of you hold dear to you. There is something that you don’t share with just everyone. It may be a secret, a family story, your desire for love, your child, a hidden talent, that thing, or even something material. Whatever it is, do you remember how it feels when you let someone into your heart ultimately giving them the responsibility of keeping your heart intact? Do you remember how scary and unnerving it can feel? That’s the feeling that scares me. There is nothing more disappointing than to regret giving someone a place in your heart, because once you open up, you can’t take it back.

If you don’t have anything that you hold dear to you, you should. Everyone doesn’t deserve a key to your heart. Not every associate is a friend, not all of your kin are family, and not all romantic interests will protect your heart as their own. If you don’t find anything of value in yourself, you can’t honestly expect someone else to treat you like the gem you are.

The real world does not always have the storybook ending like the wonderful Tyler Perry movies and. Someone won’t always swoop in and save the hurt woman and make her smile for the rest of her life. It would be unreal of me to even expect that, because men hurt too. But all I ask is that if you are given the responsibility of being allowed into someone’s heart, that you don’t disappoint.

I’m able to now write about what I desire along with some of the things I went through only by the Grace of God. There was a time that I couldn’t verbalize the way I felt, I couldn’t explain the feelings I once felt. I know that I’m closer than I was 5-6 yrs. ago to being loved and to being able to love again. I realized that until I cleaned out some things in my life and allowed God to do what He do that I would never truly and wholly love the way he designed me to love. So, in closing I will say that God is not through with me yet, so I'm not 100% sure that I’m ready to Love again!!